Tuesday, September 15, 2015

I can't stand to think...


As I am sitting at home watching TED Talks on a Saturday afternoon, I can't help but feel this sense of anxiety that being an audience member to the talks, especially the ones on the "Inspiration" channel, I may never be one of those extradorinaiy speakers who get to share their story on the stage. 

Being a viewer, simply put is passive. Watching someone extraordinary, instead of being the person who is doing the extraordinary. 

After celebrating my cousins wedding all day yesterday I thought that having a nice relaxing morning and afternoon was the perfect way to spend my day.  I figured after a really draining work week, having nothing on the agenda other than getting breakfast and an afternoon coffee is just what the doctor ordered.

But I can't help but feel anxious.
 Anxious that I'm not doing enough to reach my goals. That I'm not preparing myself for the life I strive for and dream of. I work five days a week, and on this blog at night and the minutes in between. On lunch breaks and during my commute I walk around my world trying to absorb and discover content that I want to share here.

When I'm not at work, I'm constantly thinking of work. Even on my days off I stay up stressing about all of the projects that have yet to be completed. And somehow even though I work over 40 hours a week and do as much as I can a day, it's never enough time. I am exhausted, and feeling burned out, I still feel that I am not doing enough.

I should be volunteering at a shelter or a magazine or a book club. Maybe update my resume and never get out of the habit of seeing what other jobs and possibilities are out there. I should be putting together content all the time and dragging my friends around town to get some good shots, whether they appreciate spending their day like that or not (of course promising them a drink for compensation).

I am twenty-five years old approaching twenty-six in November. I am a college graduate of Fordham University. I have a job in an industry I am super interested in, (although maybe not in the exact position I'd like to be in). I live in New York, the city I always dreamed of, and just moved to South Williamsburg; a great part of town with lively spots to frequent.

Just about a year ago, Allie and I started this blog as a project for ourselves that we whole heartedly owned and could be proud of. I know I am in the right direction and doing the right things to get me to my goals. Why do I feel like my life is going by so fast and I'm not really living it?

On the TV screen in front of me, Diana Nyad just finished her Talk titled, "Never, ever give up".  After being stung by jellyfish, chocking on salt water and at times exhausted into hallucination, Diana became the first human ever to complete the 100 mile swim across the ocean from Cuba to Florida with one thought in mind, "just keep swimming."  Did I mentioned she accomplished her life goal at the age of sixty-four?! Nyad's message was that no matter how much time passes and how old you get, never ever give up on your dreams.

All it takes is perseverance and focus and there's nothing left to do but accomplish what you always dream of.

Although, momentarily I feel slightly suffocated by where I am in my life compared to where I want to be. I just need to remind myself to be patient, keep focused and that success is the only option in front of me.

-Stephanie


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